Christmas Past & Present

Christmas 2011 was pleasant. Unexpectedly pleasant actually. You see, I’ve been dreading the Christmas holiday, just liked I dreaded Thanksgiving. Not because I didn’t have many blessings to be thankful for or because I was ungrateful or a bah-hum-bug scrooge who didn’t want to spend time with family and friends. But because of those that I would not be spending the holidays with ever again. It is because of those I have lost whom I held so dearly in my heart. Whose holiday traditions were the cornerstone of our family Thanksgiving and Christmas get-togethers. Those who I could rely on to always be there with a smiling face, warm hug and applesauce cake.

Christmas had been slowly evolving from childhood to adulthood, giving me time to adjust to the changes, appreciate generations of traditions, create new ones, decide I would rather give gifts to others and serve at a shelter rather than receive gifts of my own. However to my dismay, things rapidly changed last year- with the loss of my uncle and great-aunt, two important pieces of the Goodwin family holiday tradition, recovering from the breakup of a long-term relationship and with my brother-in-law in Afghanistan…the holidays were just not spirited. Everyone, not just me, wanted to crawl under the blankets and say “Wake me when 2011 gets here”. In fact I did just that. Fortunately, it didn’t happen as myself and the rest of the family pulled ourselves together enough to rejoice in Christ, spend time together and believe that better holidays were ahead.

Unfortunately, this Thanksgiving & Christmas continued to bring rapid change. It was the first without my Nannie Ella, who we lost just a few months ago. Our Goodwin family, having lost three incredibly important people to us in the last year all dreaded the holidays since none of us knew what to do or where to go-we had spent every single Thanksgiving lunch and Christmas Eve dinner at Nannies. So much in fact, that we almost didn’t get together for Christmas. Not only  are we still grieving but we were scared it may look like we were trying to fill her shoes. Dad stepped up and hosted dinner to which we all quickly responded “Count me in!”, none of of wanting to be without a Christmas Eve gathering.

My grandmother Mamalou is recovering from brain surgery at age 93 and thankfully she is out of the hospital and in a rehabilitation center close to home just in time for the holidays. Her illness has taken a toll on our holiday traditions as well and instead of the usual Christmas dinner with a house full of family, we spent the day in her room at the center, taking turns visiting with her, scheduling days to stay with her & and wishing health & happiness on everyone for the new year.

And my sister & her new husband are new residents of Hawaii and although I am sure they are enjoying a holiday to themselves, the first as Mr. & Mrs., their absence is felt with both of their families as well & the reality that they may not spend another holiday within driving distance.

Again, I wanted to crawl under the blankets & say “Wake me when 2012 gets here”. But once again myself & my family pulled ourselves together to remember the reason for the season, to rejoice in Christ, spend time together, reminisce on past holidays, carry on traditions and make new ones. All the while believing that better holidays were ahead.

I didn’t share this depressing story of lack of holiday cheer to be a scrooge, but instead to show that like many others during this time of year, I too have had a difficult time.  You are not alone. Its no mistake why it’s called seasonal depression. While many people sing carols to the top of their lungs and post daily updates on Facebook about how excited they are for Santa, many more are struggling for a smile as they grieve and miss loved ones. Yet, we are promised that from trials and tribulations, great things will come. For me, one great thing this year has left me with is the realization that tradition is so important to both individuals and a family as a whole. I don’t usually declare myself a traditional person but when it comes to the holidays and my family I find that I am more and more. I believe the best thing we can do for our families, ourselves, to mend our broken hearts, bring our families back together, and to honor our loved ones is to carry on their traditions the best we can. Even when we want to crawl under the blankets and wish for better days.

(my very first Christmas, 6mo old with my Nannie Ella & Papaw Goodwin)